My story now..

Nothing in this world fits in. You have to make room for yourself and make it large. You have visions, dreams, everything you wanted right in front of your coming years. All that counts. Yes, it does. At least, you yearn for them; dream big and you want them right from the moment you have contemplated big. But, you never know what might happen, in those coming years and yes why would you ever in this earth think that everything about you will change? Even the dreams, you dreamt gets distorted, gets warped in space-time continuum. You create a worm hole for yourself, where everything in you gets sucked in, like a big fat truth. Yes it does. You lose sight of yourself, what you exactly are, and the one whom you thought to be your own lyrical world, like a beautiful butterfly swinging its wings in this non-linear, non-solvable world would ever turn you down; and never in your slightest dreams, you ever surmised amongst all those thoughts you surmised, would run away slowly at the sight of “togetherness” and thus all the way deep down in your own thoughts would get tangled up and become the string theory problem.

“….and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me,

You never gave us a chance to be…”

I don’t know what I was thinking about, but still, these are the fragments of an afterthought of an event you never in reality you wanted it to happen.  But it happened still…shit! An event! I would rather say a string of events where you and your same past happenings bang you right at your face. How on earth did I ever know that I would end up like this shit?

“…just wanted you to tell me the truth,

You know I’d do that for you,

So why are you running away…”

There’s this sarcasm in my story, I never imagined. I thought I would be happy when she would say we won’t be together after these IISER years. I thought I would be. But smack that again at my face. Seriously smack that! She blurted it out loud. Quite clearly, I was supposed to be happy but you see nature loves irony and here I am writing it out loud as she said it out loud. Every single word that she blurted out still rings in my ears every night I go to sleep. And then all those strings of imaginations gets entangled in my own non-linear networks of nerves which again theoretically has no solutions; quite right it is you see, I seriously don’t have a solution. But I was supposed to be happy. That should be the story, isn’t it? Where did I go wrong? How come she is running away? How come I got degraded from everything in this place to a speck of just a vile support? And so she just wants to let it be, let it be what it is. So look there I am a vile support.

“….I was the one who was lifting you up..

When you thought you had enough,

And when I get close, you turn away,

There’s nothing that I can do or say..”

 Look, I am not at all complaining; you are getting me wrong. I am letting it be, but I am left wondering “what the fuck happened.”  Why is she running away? Why everything about her is changing and why the fuck my heart thumps otherwise whenever she says “there’s no point talking about this?” It should beat not thump for god’s sake!  

There’s no point writing about this. For God’s sake, I know when I am writing this I sound pathetic.

You all know who can write this and if you have guessed it right, then I deserve the last  line I wrote...

Thank you!

The Real Love

It has been more than heaven of a week since he started behaving quite oddly with me. It was not the real him. I was worried, not about falling out of love with him, but worried if someone has found out. But still I was possessed by this dirty thought, is he trying to leave me for good?

We only meet on weekends. Both of us live a hectic life and quite well away from each other. We manage to find a day or two to cuddle up together somewhere in a hotel, but that happens rarely; two times in a month I guess. It has been long nine months since we started out. I quite well remember the day we met. I was sneaking up in the bathroom of a shopping mall trying to vomit out the vodka that was swirling and causing a wave of tornado in my stomach, when I saw him. Well, I fell in love instantaneously. Nine seconds they say, yes just nine seconds!

I was getting frustrated by his frequent hanging up, being busy line that he always thwarts out from his mouth. Frankly speaking, I was getting desperate now and quite curious and cynical. Well, shit happens, and if it happens to him, what will I do?

I decided to leave immediately. It was 10:45 PM on my watch. I thought for a while…shall I go? It can be a surprise though, he loves surprises…Yes… he does love surprises..

So I rolled out with my car. It was raining, and I dropped by a shop to buy some flowers. I smiled,  I can’t wait to meet him…a hour and a half to his doorway.

It was 12:15 AM by my watch when I arrived at his doorstep. I knocked. No one answered. I knocked again. After a minute or so, the door happened and yes, just as I guessed....Shit happens….

 And indeed, shit happened…..

I didn’t say anything, and I barged into the house. The girl followed me behind.

‘hey, well, can I help you,’ she said and I ignored.

‘well, wait up, what do you need? Whom do you want?’ she held my hand.

I stared at her, took a deep breath and said, ‘Where is he?’

‘He is in the bathroom,’

‘Call him,’

She looked at me for a while, and then went inside. My heart was thumping as though I just survived a freakishly closed accident. How did this happen?

After a minute or so, he came. He saw me. He gaped. He stared.

‘What’s this?’ I asked, furious, pointing at her.

 The girl was startled, amazed and was totally blank.

‘I can explain,’ he came up with.

‘So that’s why you were not receiving my calls so that you can fuck her right here, and kick me out of your life, huh?’ I yelled.

‘Excuse me, what’s going on here?’ she poked him.

‘You stay out of this bitch,’ I yelled at her, ‘tell me? We are together…. you love me okay…this was the same bed where we once slept together, you forgot all that?tell me,’

There was a moment of silence.

‘Okay, I mean,’ she fumbled, ‘you two are… well, gay?’

We both stared at her.

‘HOLY SHIT,’ she gaped at us, fear and shock was visible in her eyes.

‘You bastard,’ she yelled at him, took her bag and stormed outside.

The door banged and she was out of sight.

10mscrazies.weebly.com

I was very nostalgic today. I saw the site that we created (curiosity? here it is, 10mscrazies.weebly.com); so many hopes were with us, expectations of creating a twin tower out of the site...and now its all but anything. Surely we lost. When i look back, i remember the passion that was within us, every second of it wasted in building and modifying the site...but now just dust. Those who were with me in creating the site, will definitely feel this, will definitely be nostalgic about it.

I remember xabp, and the wildest thoughts that he carried and shared with me. I should say, it lifted my heart and i would immediately imagine myself in a different context. Well, i miss it. I regret it.  

I dont want to write more..
I was there.
It was brilliant.
I lost it.

Serendipity..??

With a new hope, and a new beauty, around me. I stole it. Yeah. I did..But wait, there's still more and a long way to go. You see, i am diving back into the self-pitiful work of a researcher. Researcher. Eh, high hopes, i guess. But, the work is too too white and heart-thumping. Regulons of a whole new molecular basis of microscopic systems. Silencing of genes, in a very whole new way.

I recently came across an article that cites one of my most curiously studied subject. Prediction of genes using fourier analysis. That was cool. The aim is too use the periodicity of three base pairs which codes an amino acid. And then use fourier analysis to examine its periodicity and then develop tools to recognise the coding regions. This was another interesting thing i came across in this span of fifteen days.

This was all a new world around me. The conference. And the motivation. All at one go. This was way too much for me to gulp all those brilliant ubiquitous research. Research! The word and the world of it, has a whole new dimension. I never knew, research is done in such an extensive ways outside, people drooling and drowning themselves over it. One of those yearly author of at least one article (almost..there) of Nature, said he wanted to carry on for another twenty more years. Huh! That was one blow for me. He is almost retiring and he still wants to continue for another twenty more years. How can he think like this? It is against the laws of aging and nature. He can't and he shouldn't even think about it. He is a disgrace to nature..isn't he? or is it, me? Whatever..but how much does he think he will do? How much?
 Here, i am sitting lazily, surmising of those mesmerizing moments of my childhood.......shit! All that went like a bullet...


Small ribonucleic acids, interfering at every possible way it can. There, you stand up and touch the temperature of 42 degrees and with a minute scale evolution, ribonucliec acids zoom you stable. This is a whole new world of it. Another thirty decades will go for its dedicating to our mortal body.

I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
But i know i have to.

To her Majesty.......!!!

 Oh! What brings me!

To a place, where my blood can’t be?

Unpleased and Betrayed

She gave me a look, she got me swayed!

Oh! I am a lie,

Trapped in my thoughts, ungracefully

Beneath this moonlit sky

Like I am a child, trembling ruefully...

Oh! Her deceptive stare,

And so I fell, for this forgotten snare...

Silence, is all is here,

But i am a lie, so am i wretched dear?

Oh! This dreary drink,

Saddens the wind around me,

And her flirtuous wink,

Spills my dull wine, all around the sea.

Oh! This lifeless life,

Blinded by you, blinded by this knife,

The stars are yet so bright,

Can’t you see that it’s me they chide?

Oh! This rueful roses,

Smells then of my beautiful past,

But she still dozes,

As her flattery had me for this last!!

The poison in my blood....!

October 8^th 2011,

Do you breathe the name of your life,

In the hour of need?

This is what you call “avoidance to the last breath…” Avoided, Ignored, shattered.

“..yes, feed the rain,

I am thirsty for your love….,

….Its nothing but the carnival of rust!”

The wind fluttering and whispering its worth beside me, and perhaps I should fall for its truth. Yes, I need you, I need you, desperately, beside me. Home, again, and the reign of insult of my self-esteem, self-confidence, inflicted arrows of blood with words as beautiful as ‘a bodyguard of girls’, begun, with painstaking pain.

“Don’t walk away, Don’t walk away….”

Enigmatic red circles, embedded beside the white ones… I still remember the words you yelled at me…I am true to you, I never grassed on you, never. I am true, scintillating with blood of my veins, cut deep inside me, far deeper than you would ever understand. I remember. I do. That you don’t give a “damn about me in front of your…” and neither I come anywhere near you of your “true life…”

“…and I will use my lips to kiss,

Your frown away…..

…and I  will follow you all the way…   “

Spiralling inwards, the dots of truth, the bloodline of the sky, the deep blue sky. I can never, ever, follow my zenith, and I know, I will be spiralled inwards in this beautiful enigmatic heartbeat. There will be at times this wind to guide me, to sway me to another fathomless breath, another speckled life…and must I say, that I will be drowned away by this addiction of a beautiful life, a beautiful dream….mary jane, mary jane….save me!

“ All my love, if its all I can do….

I will take the fall for you….”

Beaten, mocked and stained deep inside this thumping chamber... Seconds are enough, enough to shoot you with bullets, you won’t get a second to look, to cut yourself, deep. Time and again, thousands of sunlight strike at a second…but I still bleed, red…

“Now that you’re gone….

Hold me in your eyes……”

Look up! The sparkling smile of thousands of dots above you…most of them already died, painful existence! Shit! But then, I have wings and I now can fly, beyond your own imagination… contrastingly I was crippled, heavy, insane, to follow all the way, beyond this small little bridge…

I breathe this heavy black atmosphere, making tons of spiralling circles together, all black, but too beautiful…this is nice…too let your tears die away slowly with time, imminently. Oh! I am shot! Shot in the head….mary jane, I have you..!

“..When violet eyes get brighter,

And heavy winds go lighter…

..I will taste the sky and feel alive again…”

I pierced myself. Tasted its looming shadow, poisoning myself with this invaluable red blood roses…I fetched it for you…baby…I fetched it for you…And I really pierced myself!

Thanks to her...

There are certain people in this distracted world that sometimes make you feel that whatever you are are just because they are with you. Well, what do i think of those people as such? You can't tell. They realize and very well know that your very existence is because they have played one emotional acting in your frustrated life and pulled you right from behind. Thats true, but then you are happy too. But then, well, what am i exactly complaining? Look, here i tell you what i feel.

They appear, appearance is the one camouflage that they will use, (rightly saying, i don't know whether it's in their genes) to fly you away with their words. Sweet Revenge. Darn, you will get swayed. Yes you will. You get startled, bowled over, smoked and you will be like thinking over and over again, "what's wrong with you?"

Their right comes first. That's true always. We are nonentities in this physical world for them, speckled with dust and stain of our past. We are anti-particles for them, our laws defined and bounded like a closed set, with a finite radius even the boundary conditions and points are not well defined. It's like our feelings are closed of a set Z>=1 . What the ............??

We are what they call male chauvinists. Crap! This is what we get after a series of yes to their non-socializing questions, after yet another long debate and arguments about whose life revolves around this closed set and who is actually the boundary point. This is yet again ridiculous....