Death with Despair!

Heart-gasping sound of eternity,
Deep breathing within me!
Stumbled upon, blood darkness,
I closed my eyes, in her lie livid beauty...

A big fabricated Lie........

Johanan, high five. You struck me this time. I coundn’t care less. He was true. “We live in a tomb of a big fabricated lie.” Instances :

1)      There the other day, I was watching the Wimbledon  semi-final match between Jo Wilfred Tsonga and Novak Djokovic. The match was a thriller as it has always been. There were people, whom we call audience by the principle, clapping at each and every point and the weird thing was that they were clapping for both. It was not like that they supported one single person.

 I was a stern supporter of Novak Djokovic and I bit my lips every time Tsonga won a point. This is crucial in life, to be focussed towards one single thing, and here I was. But look what I got there. SARCASM. The people were clapping and lauding the both players! Weird, isn’t it? So they seem to be goaless people?? Is that so?? Or were they just enjoying the game; like you see, Novak and Tsonga were their entertainer. They were entertainer. Entertainer doesn’t mean they were jokers or singers. Just entertainer. Coz people were enjoying the game, like they enjoy watching a comedy movie, take it to be a circus!

2)      Now look at this point from a different view. People paid big bucks to see the Wimbledon semi-final, and to get enjoyment, like you can call this ENTERTAINMENT. Didn’t they? And poor Djokovic and Tsonga battled their sweat out, struggling with strength and struggling with every bit of sunlight that attacked them. They toiled hard, and among the two only the one who was winning was enjoying the game. OF course that had to be, coz you never want to be the losing side, and you would always wish  after losing the game to turn back the time, to kick your opponent’s butt out! Someone or the other has to pay the price. Tsonga’s hard toil, running from one end to the other turned futile! And look here, while Tsonga was toiling hard and had to give up at the last moment, the audience were laughing and getting entertained, right? They were enjoying every bit of it, right? But they didn’t do anything, like stopping the game, or atleast, sympathising with Tsonga? ?

3)      Now take a clue, for me, suppose, entertainment is like watching somebody fighting over something. So I would just sit there and watch, right? Coz, I love enjoying seeing a fight! And that’s entertainment for me. So I was going by the road, when I saw three goons fighting a man. I stopped and watched. I had a knife and a gun with me. But I didn’t do anything. The goons kicked him, like we see in movies, but there I was sitting and watching like a silent spectator, like the ABOVE AUDIENCE. That’s entertainment for me, why give up? At the end somebody has to lose, just like Tsonga lost to Djokovic and was heartbroken. Same here, the man was heartbroken as his purse was stolen. But there I was silently watching.

4)      Now you may argue, that that’s not right. That what I did was totally wrong! But how do you know? Maybe the goons needed money for something worth stealing? You may never know? And by the way, who taught you what is right and what is wrong? How do you know which is right and which is wrong? You can’t judge anything by your own conscience, let alone you parents. Coz, there are billions like me who will counter you, the same way  I did. IF what I did was wrong, as the man struggled with the goons, then so was the Wimbledon audience. They were also wrong. They didn’t help Tsonga win, or atleast sympathised with him. SO then what was all this? This was all a lie. The audience was a lie, they were nothing but living a lie, criticizing the loser and comforting the winner, just as I did in a way. They were all watching something which  I call wrong and the same way you can yell at me that I was wrong. So you and I are both living a lie. Neither of us know, what exactly we should do. We keep living our lives just as we are taught to. It’s just like wearing a pink t-shirt which I hate, yet I confess that, it’s good. THAT’S  utter bullshit lie, right? Ain’t it?

5)      Johanan was right, we all are in a fabricated lie. What we do, our actions, are itself a lie. For me, your actions are unexplainably lies, just as this blog to you may seem.

 

 

Where are we?

This is sad. Got a mail from Abhinandan. He mailed me the link to iiser pune blog. See if you want to. But i would advice, you will get depressed! trust me, you better dont peep!! Still if you can't resist to see the off-beat   blog page, then here you go: iiserpune.wordpress.com/blog-page/.
Well, IISER Pune is well ahead of us. Their blog page saddened me; put me in my humps. Whoa! Their profs even blog there! They have a basketball court, a proper maintained new hostel. Both iiser kol and iiser pune were established at the same time, inn'it?? But How are we lagging behind? How is it possible, that we are still lingering and still  in a to-be-kicked-out situation in this bckv campus?? You see, they have what you call a proper football tournament! Like a proper football tournament, guys!! Not like what we have out here! A small football field with a small no. of players with again a small support! This is poignant and depressing. Utterly heart-rending.

We have the highest paid profs, we have the largest campus among all  the fives....still we are so pathetic!!
We all are, especially, the high profile ones are bogus! Abhinandan, could be much happier thus with our blog. Representing oneself is what and how the world cares the damn about you. Fake. We are. I am no more happy with our blog,
Did you ever catch a glimpse of our Director during Inquivesta?? Where the hell was he?? He couldn't care less about it? With Inquivesta being a success,  it was only due to the toil of the students;  the teachers and profs dont even come close to that. Pathetic. Pune has got itself an annual magazine, Kalpa! And amazingly, let me assure you, yet again, you will  be DEMORALIZED. Disgusting. These are just a few instances. We are like far behind....crawling like an ant contrarily they are hopping like the grasshopper.....hmph!

Who am I to curse??

Really, doesn't people want to be a satan? or quite possibly a follower of satan? I do. Sometimes. That sometime is right at this moment, while i am blogging. Synonym for devil, an angel who rebelled against God. But then how can you define God? GOD? GOD? He who does good? He who bestows people all His Love and care? Why is that a custom to write god as in capital letters "GOD" or perhaps "God"?  There are followers of Satan and i've met many of them. Its not that they wanted to harm me or something. But their views were so obnoxious and opposing to a normal man.  Yes, i dont know if i believe in god or not. But still believing in Satan is not what i do too. But sometimes, out of the dirt, i feel, what if??

For most Christians, he is who, who rebelled against God — and also the one who spoke through the serpent and seduced Eve into disobeying God's command.

Satan, before his insurrection, was among the highest of all angels and the brightest in the sky! 
The Book of Revelation tells that Satan was cast out of heaven into The Earth. You have seen rock bands, ACDC, and all, they follow the zombie culture. But does that make them you know what we call satanic? NO, NO way, that is what they believe and so what? I can believe in Satan and follow Satan, but how does it make me satanic? I have to repeat what Satan has done to be satanic!! I believe in neither. But still the edge remains clear like the blue sky. Being Compassionate, being humorous, being emphatic, does that mean i dont believe or follow Satan? Who Knows? /:P\

Oh! Gravity, Oh! Tragedy

This is beautiful,

So much to see in this sky,

Love is bringing me down

And i’m falling down with my own lie..

Oh! Gravity!

Why can’t you bring me down?

Oh! Tragedy!

Why have you made me a clown?

The wine cannot wash away,

So much silent is my pain,

The smoke makes me sway

So much my tears rain..

Oh! Gravity,

Why can’t you again die?

Oh! Tragedy,

Why did you made me lie?

“Silently she whispers near my ear,

I am forever lost without her here,

Memories of her, sings silently

But I bear the pain so gracefully.”

Oh! Gravity,

Why can’t the wind gulp you?

Oh! Tragedy,

Its’ still you and its still true.

It is so much a pain,

Pulled between you and me,

I still wake up and walk,

Tired of this me in the vile sea.

Oh! Gravity,

Fly me away from here,

Oh! Tragedy,

You love to bring this tear.

She still sings in me,

She still fails to see,

That i am drowning,

That i am dying.

Oh! Gravity,

This is what is forever.

Oh! Tragedy,

Why can’t we be together?

Oh! Gravity, Oh! Tragedy,

Masters of my beautiful story....

Forever she...

So much so I love her,

But she is pushing me far too far,

Into this sky where i can’t be,

Where she would never ever see me.

So much so is her beautiful song,

Singing and whispering all along,

Yet i am alone staring at her smile,

Beautiful she is, i get lost for a while.

So much so i am without her,

Twilight and i keep looking at this star,

And my tears make this beautiful rain,

It is so much love, and so, so much pain.

So much so I know she wouldn’t care,

That my deepest feelings are so much there,

And so i walk alone, and so i walk alone,

I wish, i wish, i had all this known. 

So much so, is this beautiful life,

That it pierces my heart with this lovely knife,

My heart flutters at every word she says

 Yet she can’t feel that i go out of my ways.

So much so i know my love,

I want her in this beautiful heaven above.

The roses i had was all spilled in the sea,

Its my deepest feelings that she will never see….

           

Ode to Addiction

 Addicted I am,

To this beautiful loneliness,

Words come and go

But still remains this emptiness.

Addicted i am,

To this beautiful smoke, i smoke,

My mind washes away

The poem that i just wrote.

Addicted i am,

To this darkness around me,

I want to shout and runaway,

For a deep sleep in the sea.

Addicted i am,

To this monotonous smile, i smile,

Even the wind can feel

That i am all lost for a while.

Addicted i am,

To this silence that i love,

Her so painful words, for me

Makes it hard to look above.

Addicted i am,

For a love that will never be mine,

Still i find myself reflecting

In this intoxicated glass of wine.

Addicted i am,

To this so called me, in me..

The wind that ruffles my face,

Whispers ,’that its not her, you see..’

Addicted i am,

To the beautiful roses that i bought,

But the beautiful words of her,

Pushed me far.... too far.....

Addicted i am,

To this beautiful smoke, i smoke,

I wish i could die away

Before i get lost in my vile hope..­­­

No name

How much can you hurt me?

If I just look up and smile?

Without you knowing

That I can love you forever while?

How much can you hate me?

If I just keep staring at you

With silence all around me

And for all you know its true?

How much can you ignore me?

If still I keep running after you,

Humming my worth silently,

The feelings I have you never knew?

How much can you make me pain?

As I had loved it all along,

The beauty in it again,

Is not it reflecting my beautiful song?

How much can you make me bleed?

The blood of love in heart i keep,

But still you never even care,

That it’s my love all around here?

How much can you make me cry?

By the words that you easily say,

And yes, I knew, for you I am a lie,

For sorrows say will never fade away??

How much can you hurt me?

If I just look up and smile,

The love for you,

Will be there forever while.

An ode to God!

God! Is it you?

Who had send me-

To this sorrow?

I cannot recollect myself and see

In that beauteous tomorrow.

God! Were you not the one?

Who made me envy my soul?

Love, was not a word!

As I never had it whole.

One minute stay,

My sorrows say-

“I’ll never fade away…”

God! Wasn’t it you

Who made my pains pain?

With just the sun’s ray

I’d known, it was a vile rain,

Where fears, sorrow, you say

Will ever fade away?

God! Do not save me,

Whenever the darkness I see

Let alone feel it

Let alone face it

Till I hear the nightingale sing

When in me the lifeless soul shall sing.

God! Were you not silent?

Silent; as in the spring?

My sorrows, you let it tremble

As though, in my heart’s string.

                        The silver moon, oh! A beautiful sight

                        My sorrows weep, although merciful

                        Melts my passions at every night.

God! You showed no mercy;

When in me, a love was born.

It sang in my heart, merrily,

And you paved a path, full of thorns.

                        And the bird flattered it’s wing..

                        But my wind forgot to sing.

Oh! I had this silence to blame,

In this sorrow, as why I came

Thought of him, though no one will weep

For serenity; when I think of a deep sleep.

                        And I grieve all along

                        That God…

                        You had been a silent song….

                                                                                                                                                12  Jan, 2007

Time goes..

met my ailing grandfather today. Not much is left of him, i guess. And it was very painful for me  to sit beside him, see him in a trance, maybe unable to distinguish the real world. He is very old. He is in pain and yes i guess that is old age. This is bad. To be around for so long is like a punishment, maybe punishment from the higher power. Why all this happens to such a good man? I mean, think it scientifically, he will be there for, i don't know how many days, but he will be in pain. Pain for the last of his days. What happens actually when we age? Our livers die? or do our brain deteriorates? As we age, our skin goes dull, our face distorts?? what does actually happens? We studied, right, mutation in drosophila, leads to its different size, different texture and colour. So is mutation in our cells one of the mysterious cause behind that? Might me. Or how?

Why can't we revive our cells as we grow? I also know that those who smoke, their skin dies away faster . This is ofcourse for the radicals of oxygen and carbon dioxide produced as we inhale in. But its better to die earlier than wait for 80 long years and we disgruntle our own system slowly.But i am not writing and debating about aging.  I just saw my grandfather there, lying on his bed, he can't even open his eyes properly, and he speech is a blur. How that that happen? He was so healthy. I mean, its not actually right to live for such a long time.

Ode to Addiction!

Addicted I am,

To this beautiful loneliness,

Words come and go

But still remains this emptiness.

Addicted i am,

To this beautiful smoke, i smoke,

My mind washes away

The poem that i just wrote.

Addicted i am,

To this darkness around me,

I want to shout and runaway,

For a deep sleep in the sea.

Addicted i am,

To this monotonous smile, i smile,

Even the wind can feel

That i am all lost for a while.

Addicted i am,

To this silence that i love,

Her so painful words, for me

Makes it hard to look above.

Addicted i am,

For a love that will never be mine,

Still i find myself reflecting

In this intoxicated glass of wine.

Addicted i am,

To this so called me, in me..

The wind that ruffles my face,

Whispers ,’that its not her, you see..’

Addicted i am,

To the beautiful roses that i bought,

But the beautiful words of her,

Pushed me far.... too far.....

Addicted i am,

To this beautiful smoke, i smoke,

I wish i could die away

Before i get lost in my vile hope..­­­